Over a Year

Well, it has been over a year since I have blogged. It could have something to do with the fact that I forgot my password and I feel like you need to be a good story teller or clever to blog. I am not. I write like a talk- which is never good. I bounce back and forth between thoughts and leave things out. 

However, I usually only write when I am stressed, bored, or sad. Today is one of those days. My husband is home this week on vacation, but we are not connecting. I want constant attention from him,but he is on vacation to get away from people. But we live at my work... AKA I work from home. So we are just kind of butting heads and not really enjoying each other. Which just makes me sad and actually makes me try harder to be with him. It is just a not fun cycle. 

I also have been struggling with the fact that I live like a hermit. I have no hobbies and don't really enjoy much... or make myself try new things because that is stressful. But I feel like a bum because when someone asks me what I like to do. I don't have a response. I have gotten to the point where I have actually Googled the top 10 woman's hobbies. BUT I don't want to knit, coupon, sew, make crafts... So that just leaves me stumped. I feel like I am not living my life to the fullest at all. 

But how do you change. I lack motivation. What motivates you? That is the question. What motivates you to change, to try new things, to challenge yourself? I don't know... I haven't discovered my motivator, yet. I should I am not getting any younger- my birthday is coming and I will be another year older. 

Searching for motivation...

Something Missing...

I am loving my life right now. Work is busy, but that is how it goes sometimes. There is no reason to get down about that because well it will slow down eventually. I have learned to just go with the flow. Mainly because I can't fix it so I just make the best of it. 

I am loving being married to Dan. I love going through life with him. He is a great partner. He understands what makes me tick-- which is a huge thing because I don't know what makes me tick. He also enjoys me when I am doing absolutely nothing. This is just the best thing because this is how I know he loves me. I am writing this in my pjs and unshowered (meaning glasses & greasy hair) and just a few minutes ago he told me that he loved me. I asked why and he replied "Because you are sitting over humming. You are just so cute and happy.". How cute is that? He also took me on a date last night. He asked me to go on a date earlier in the week. I love that he missed me and felt the need to actually ask me to go on a date. Work has been busy for the both of us and we haven't seen each other much lately. It was wonderful getting special treatment. :)

I also had a wonderful visit this week from my dear friend Christina(aka Stino) and her beautiful daughter Addie. It was a short visit with Addie because she loves to sleep. She is just the cutest little girl and I am so excited to be part of her life. She is now crawling and is sporting the cutest little sprout of a pony tail. She has beautiful big blue eyes that look around with such curiosity and  she has such a sweet smile. It was such a joy to see her. She does bring joy to me which is perfect since her name is Addison Joy. :) I also thoroughly enjoyed my visit with her mommy. It has been awhile since we have seen each other. You see for a year we lived together which was great because we got to talk every day. But then she got married. Then I got married. Then we lived 45 minutes apart -- which isn't that far, but when you both work 40 hours a week and have a husband you just run out of time. But then Stino and Sam had this beautiful little girl and now we have another reason to see each other more often. Stino and I are very different-- I love meat and she is a vegetarian. I could sit in the house all day with the curtains shut and she loves to be outside and needs the sun. The list goes on, but some how we work as friends. Which is great because she is an AWESOME friend to have. She cares so deeply for her friends and I am grateful for her friendship. 

Well, until next time...

Self Doubt

Self Doubt...

This is something that everyone struggles with at different times and usually about similar topics. At this point in time I just feel stupid. There is not a simpler way to say it. Sure there are bigger words that I could use: unintelligent, dense, meaningless, moronic, simple, dumb... the list could just continue to go. Especially since I am smart enough to use the thesaurus. :)

That is how I feel today. I made it through high school just fine. I graduated after four years of college... But I am still left feeling like I am just a not so special crayon in the box. 

Perhaps this is because my husband is smarter than me... He is there is no question about it, and I have trouble admitting that. Sometimes it just isn't fun when you know it is true. It's not like we are competing --- we are going through life as a team. But I am the one slowing us down. I am the Gangrene... 

That all sounds very dramatic. I do like a little drama every now and again. But I just have this overwhelming feeling that I am stupid. Most days I do not feel this way and I know that I am educated and I can problem solve. But how do you work through feeling stupid.

I feel like I need to go and learn something. Read a book about something wonderful--I have been trying to read a scholarly book about the Holocaust, but sometimes that makes me feel stupid also... But in order to learn you have to sit back and feel overwhelmed. I could get a hobby. The problem with finding a hobby is that you have to try things, and what if I spend time trying different things and still do not find a hobby. 

I have had the idea to go back to school. But I don't actually like going to school and I have no idea what I would go for. Also right now is not really the time for that. I have a job and well I like it. The schooling that I would want would greatly conflict with my present job. Did I mention I like my current job? 

I just want to better my self. I don't want to have self doubt. I realize not ever having self doubt is unrealistic, but a girl can dream. 

Things I do not doubt: my family loves me for who I am, my husband loves me, I am good at my job, I try hard to please others, I am happy when others are happy, I have some OCD tendencies, my height is most defiantly fun-size, I have a laugh that can make others smile, and I try hard to put others feeling before my own.

Until next time... 

Life as I know it

So I have started doing the South Beach Diet. It is only Day Two and I really think that it is going to be hard. The past two mornings I have choked down vegetable juice cocktail which is disgusting-- it smells disgusting, looks disgusting, tastes disgusting, feels disgusting, and IS disgusting. But I am trying to be good and stick to the diet. So until the bottle is gone I will keep drinking it every morning. 

Today lunch was also disgusting. It was not as disgusting as the vegetable juice cocktail. It was mushroom soup... which is died mushrooms, chicken broth, and spices. I would like to share that I am not a fan of mushrooms. After eating the mushroom soup I am still not a fan. I had to choke it down-- but I am trying to stick to this darn diet.

I am also hungry all the time. I think that is a mental thing because I am eating, but I am not enjoying the food. All I do right now is cook and clean the kitchen so I can cook. I make the food, but I don't feel like eating it afterwards. It is a very weird thing. I slightly would rather not eat than eat this food. 

But if I want to meet my goals I have to change my eating habits. I also have to go to the gym 5 days a week. Well, that is the goal. I am taking charge of my life. I want to get healthy. I want to improve my life. 

I am feeling a little stuck right now... Like my life is routine. I like routine. But right now this is my routine. Wake up at 5:15am. Shower or eat breakfast. Work 6 to 9am. Then I either continue to work, or workout and tan. Then I usually work until about 5 pm. After that I try to relax and start thinking about supper. Then depending on when husband comes home we eat and hang out for hopefully an hour. We don't hang out enough. He gets so tired during the week--He goes to work and then he is supposed to work until 6pm. But it is never 6pm--EVER. I miss him every day when he goes to work. I mean I go to work before he does every morning, but I usually get to see him leave through the window(not as creepy as it sounds). Once the clock says 6pm, I miss him even more because he is supposed to be done with work then. 


I look forward to having him home every night. I am so glad to be married. He makes me so happy and most of the time he understands me. Most of the time because well you can't understand someone all of the time. I think that he actually understands me more than I give him credit for. But I am grateful for him. I am blessed with a great man and I can't wait to see how great he becomes. 

If I am going to be stuck in a routine I am happy to be stuck in it with my husband. Because I know that he loves me ALL the time.


Well...That is just how my brain functions... I have so many thoughts all at once. 


Until next time...

 

Vacation: Day Seven

Day Seven

Well, it is Friday. But not a typical Friday because I am still on vacation. Although I see it coming to an end very soon. We have a very jam packed weekend. Tomorrow my family comes to town. Well, actually I am bringing them to the airport so they can go to Florida for their family vacation. It is the first one without me since I am now a married woman with my own family. It is weird to think that I have my own family even though it is just me and husband. But that is what we are and I LOVE IT. He makes me so happy and drives me crazy. Just like a family does. :) My mom also said it is weird to plan a vacation without me because I always voice what I want to do on vacation there is no guessing. But my brothers don't always voice what they want and so my mom is left to guess what they actually want to do. I am going to miss going on vacation with them. However, I take on a different personality when I go on vacation with my family. I become a very moody version of myself-- extreme highs and lows which is odd for a girl who is typically rather even keeled. I hope they have a great time  because I did on my first family vacation without them. It is a bittersweet thing. But growing up is just that... bittersweet. 

Then I have a girls night tomorrow night. Which should be fun, but I don't really relax well. So we will see how that turns out. I get very anxious about these kinds of things and very self conscious.  I have lots of thoughts running through my hear "Is my outfit cute enough?" "I should be working out harder." "Am I too sarcastic?" "Why am I so serious?" "Why can't I just relax?" "What is husband doing?" and blah blah blah. 

After, those two activities. We are hosting lunch at our place on Sunday for his parents, sister and her husband. We are making Potato Soup which we made today just to make sure it was okay. It was good. I was nervous because I have never made soup from scratch. I feel a lot of pressure to be perfect for his family. No one has put this pressure on me-- I put it on myself. It's just that his mom is very much the bakes you treats and cooks great food. But she also is a full-time teacher who volunteers and does so many extra things. His sister also really enjoys to cook, bake, and host events and her house. I just don't quite fit the mold. But he did not marry me because I fit that mold. But I still feel like I have to impress them every time.

Back to what happened on Day Seven

* I oddly enough woke up at 6:30am which is odd since I stayed up watching Friends until about midnight. I should have been more tired, but instead I just stayed in bed watching husband sleep. :)

* Then we got up at like 8 and had a light breakfast. I did some cleaning around the apartment.

* We went to the gym. Then we did some Just Dance on the Wii while making the Potato Soup.

*Then I finished cleaning the apartment-- well kind of there are still somethings that have to be done. Since I feel the need to impress my  house needs to be spotless,

* For the rest of the night we had alone time. He paid bills and watched survival shows. I watched One Tree Hill and painted. It was nice. But I miss him when we have alone time even though he was just in the other room. I love him so much that during my alone time I always find myself thinking about my husband. I think about why I love him and how good it is to be married to him.

So I am sad that my vacation is coming to an end. But I decided tonight that husband and I need to have a little more fun in our lives and enjoy life a little more every day. Hopefully, we can make that happen because I don't want life to pass us by without us really taking the time to enjoy it.

Vacation: Day Six

Day Six

* We slept in until about 8:30am. Which was amazing. I hope it doesn't take too long to adjust to getting up at 5:15am next week.

* We got a knock on our door at 8:50am... BREAKFAST!

* We were so excited to see what delicious treats we were going to have. Breakfast was a very fancy BLT type sandwich. It was fresh baked bread, with mayo, lettuce, bacon, poached egg, cherry tomatoes, and avocados. This sandwich was yummy. Also we had fresh and warm scones and fruit(bananas, strawberries, and oranges). Then again we finished eating and there was another knock on the door. DESERT!! It was apple cheesecake and ice cream. 

* Then we had to get ready and pack up. Check out was at 11am. 

* We had such a long drive(30 minutes)...so we took a two hour nap when we got home. :) 

* Since we are now home I felt like I had to get back into a "normal" routine. So I went to the gym and went tanning. 

* Then husband and I did more normal things grocery shopping, watching American Idol, and watching Couples Retreat. 

Our vacation isn't over. But I feel like we are going to be doing very normal things these next three days. Because we already did a lot of shopping and we went on a little trip. Now we are back to relaxing at home. I am going to try to be crafty and organize our home. 

We already have plans for the weekend. Saturday we are bringing my family to the airport and I have a girls night. Then Sunday we are hosting his parents because they will be in town. We are going to attempt make Potato Soup for them and be all host-like. 

I am liking not working and it is going to be hard going back to work on Monday. I am getting a little stir crazy, but I don't want to work. I just don't know what it is that I want to do...

Well... Goodbye. Until tomorrow...

Vacation: Day Five

Day Five

* We slept in until like 8. We woke up on opposite sides of the bed. A king size is so big. 

* At 9am, the owners knocked on the door. Husband opened the door and there was a basket. Breakfast was in the basket... Breakfast was delicious. It was some sort of egg, cheese, and tomato yumminess. :) Also there was sausage, fruit(bananas, black berries, and pineapple), and a fresh baked bread. We were almost done eating breakfast when we got another knock on the door. Husband opened the door... DESERT! It was fresh baked(still warm) coffee with ice cream. Yes, that's right breakfast ended with desert. It was the best breakfast that I have ever had. *

* Then once we got ready for the day we went to downtown Stillwater to check out all of the shops. Well, not all of them because there are so many, but we went to many shops. We spend a lot of time of time wondering in an Antique Mall -- there are three levels. We took some pictures of really funny things and had several good laughs while wondering. 

* We had lunch at Leo's Malt Shop. I had a burger and fries(of course) and husband had a burger and chips plus wild rice soup. It was so good. I would highly recommend it. 

* We then went back to our place. I relaxed in the whirlpool tub and husband relaxed in the steam shower. 

* I also spent some time wondering the bed and breakfast checking out the other rooms and the antique stuff in the house. I also talked to the owner about places to eat.

* We ended up going to Whitey's for "supper". We had chicken quesadillas and jalapeno cream cheese wantons. The wontons were incredible. Then we went back to Leo's and had a Butterfinger shake which was also wonderful.

* Then we went back to the bed and breakfast. We watched American Idol and played Rummy. 

* Then we just hung out in our room listening to music.

* I really enjoyed today. Husband and I really enjoyed each other. We had fun just wondering and looking at things neither of us talking or thinking about work. This is why I wanted to marry him because we can just go places and enjoy being around each other. It has been a long time since we have been this relaxed and truly enjoyed each others company. It was a great day.