Self Doubt

Self Doubt...

This is something that everyone struggles with at different times and usually about similar topics. At this point in time I just feel stupid. There is not a simpler way to say it. Sure there are bigger words that I could use: unintelligent, dense, meaningless, moronic, simple, dumb... the list could just continue to go. Especially since I am smart enough to use the thesaurus. :)

That is how I feel today. I made it through high school just fine. I graduated after four years of college... But I am still left feeling like I am just a not so special crayon in the box. 

Perhaps this is because my husband is smarter than me... He is there is no question about it, and I have trouble admitting that. Sometimes it just isn't fun when you know it is true. It's not like we are competing --- we are going through life as a team. But I am the one slowing us down. I am the Gangrene... 

That all sounds very dramatic. I do like a little drama every now and again. But I just have this overwhelming feeling that I am stupid. Most days I do not feel this way and I know that I am educated and I can problem solve. But how do you work through feeling stupid.

I feel like I need to go and learn something. Read a book about something wonderful--I have been trying to read a scholarly book about the Holocaust, but sometimes that makes me feel stupid also... But in order to learn you have to sit back and feel overwhelmed. I could get a hobby. The problem with finding a hobby is that you have to try things, and what if I spend time trying different things and still do not find a hobby. 

I have had the idea to go back to school. But I don't actually like going to school and I have no idea what I would go for. Also right now is not really the time for that. I have a job and well I like it. The schooling that I would want would greatly conflict with my present job. Did I mention I like my current job? 

I just want to better my self. I don't want to have self doubt. I realize not ever having self doubt is unrealistic, but a girl can dream. 

Things I do not doubt: my family loves me for who I am, my husband loves me, I am good at my job, I try hard to please others, I am happy when others are happy, I have some OCD tendencies, my height is most defiantly fun-size, I have a laugh that can make others smile, and I try hard to put others feeling before my own.

Until next time...