i have had so many things running through my head lately.
- what should i do with my life
- where do i want to live
- who do i want to become
- what job should i have
- will i be a person worth remembering
some of those questions my seem crazy. but they still are questions that i have been thinking. i think i am having somewhat of a mid-life crisis. or maybe what i am going through it totally normal. i mean a lot has changed for me in the past year.
i graduated college and now i am no longer going to school. school has been my "normal" for the past 16 years!! it seems very odd that i am not moaning and groaning about having to go to class. i am not study or doing homework. oddly enough i miss my old routine because i am a routine kind of girl. =]
in may i got married to the love of my life and he has been in my life for over 6 years. but marriage is different than just dating. marriage is better than dating because you don't have to question their love for you. well i guess now a days marriage isn't as solid as it should be. marriage is not something you can just get out of... you don't just break up because you have a fight. you stay and fight because love is worth it. that is how i have chosen to look at marriage. it is worth it to have my best of times with him and my worst of times with him.
now that i have graduated i am expected to find a "real" job. this is not the easiest of times to find a "real" job. i am not content to stay at my college job after all i have already been there for 4 years. and to be honest it has not changed much and frankly i am beginning to feel stuck. i am working 2 jobs. both jobs require me to "watch" people. my job at the group home (which i love) i go and watch people usually for 7 hours at a time and watch them have the same problems over and over. is a little tiring. but i love it otherwise i would not have stayed there so long. i love the ladies, i love my co-workers, i love the sense of security, i love feeling needed, and i love responsibility. my second job -- i never thought i would work 2 jobs at the same time! -- my second job is nannying 3 kids. i also love these kids. they can drive me up the wall, but then they do or say something that is just so darn cute.
the problem with both of these jobs is that they just don't give me what i need. i need a break from being needed by others. i want to be needy. i am not very good at being needy and i am sure that after a day or two i would be over it. but i would like to try. or try a job that i go and work for 8 hours. and then go home. total separation of work and home that is what i would like. and maybe normal work hours would nice. no asleep shifts or working until 9 or 10. i would like to be done at 5 or 6.
I understand this whole "midlife" crisis feeling. I to have been feeling it lately. My thoughts are coming at a different perspective, but I feel that they are in the same general ball park. I have been thinking lately about how I used to go party at all these colleges every year and how if I went now I would be one of the old people. Bryan's youngest sister is now going out to these college parties and I think to myself, really, is that a place I would want to be? How did we cross over this thresh hold of graduating college and looking for big girl and boy life's??? How come we aren't snuggled up in our "dorm" rooms eating mac and cheese and studying for the latest exam? All of a sudden here we are 23 and 24, thinking about babies and bills and work work work. WAAAHHH..HOW DID WE GET HERE??? I'm not so sure that I am ready to grow up just yet, and yet, I am not so sure I would jump back 4 years either.
ReplyDeleteWell maybe, yes, our "issues" are a little different. But know this, I am happy that we are at least sailing life on the same sea, with similar ships. :) Love you amber, and as long as you are seeking out your heart, the lord will not steer you in the wrong direction. I pray a perfect schedule opens up for you soon my dear!
xxoo!